tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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