life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
