We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize