Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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