If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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