Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
