Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
