It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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