I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
