Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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