4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do you think you have hit the lowest point in your life when you find yourself actually condisering watching the movie "Gigli"?
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
My penis needs a shock collar
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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