he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
