i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
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