i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
she peed on how many people?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
