Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Randomize
