____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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