You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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