Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
