well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
