well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Randomize
