I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
So vagazzling was a success
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Randomize
