I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
They took my balls.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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