he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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