my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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