No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Sober January is a disaster.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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