Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Randomize
