i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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