I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
