no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
