hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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