soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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