dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
