Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
