guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
