Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
