Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
