Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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