Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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