apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I am naked and annoyed.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
