I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Randomize
