Apparently you make a good broom.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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