i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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