Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
