i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
