July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
