I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
