my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
