why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
