Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Randomize
