Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
