She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
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