I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
