So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
