There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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