Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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