I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Randomize