Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Someone signed my nipple.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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