Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Will exercising make me less horny?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
