youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
