i wish my penis had a tongue
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
