This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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